Empathy runs deep in my veins. I have the level of empathy that makes me sick to my stomach when I hear people talk about a getting a cut or breaking a bone. I will honestly have throbbing, sympathy pains and I am not exaggerating that a bit! When I hear of something awful that has happened to someone, it is so hard for me to move on past my heartache for them. I know there are many other “feelers” out there that know exactly what I’m describing.
I am glad I have strong empathy. Being empathetic has shaped who I am. There were stages of my life when I did everything I could to squash it, because being empathetic can make life really hard. But the truth is, the times when I haven’t had empathy…I felt gross about it later. Those are the times in my life when I look back and have regret. So, I’m not sad to be an empathetic person and I truly believe that being empathetic can help you excel in many areas of life. But there is nothing in life we humans can’t take and screw up a bit. Practicing empathy in parenting is an easy one to muddle.
I knew as soon as I became a parent that my empathy would be my greatest strength as a parent…and quickly found that it would also cause me the most stress! For 9 years now I have based my style of parenting around my empathy. I always put myself in my kid’s shoes when I am handling any kind of situation. It’s not hard for me to do…honestly, I feel like I practically live in them! I do believe having empathy in our parenting has helped our children grow into very emotionally intelligent beings! They have both always greatly surpassed the developmental norms in this area and in turn has, for the most part, made them very pleasant people and kind friends! But…here’s the thing. When you are so sensitive to your children’s feelings…it can become very difficult to hold your ground and stick with your own rules…just ask my husband! Our kids may be sneaking into our bed until they’re 18, because I used to have nightmares as a kid and just can’t bring myself to make them go back to their rooms alone! Because I can so easily understand how sad my kids are to have to go to bed when they are having so much fun…I will say…”ok, a little longer.” Because I understand how glorious it is to ride your bike on a sunny day, I will say, “alright, we have a little more time.” Because I know how hard it is to pick up messes when you are exhausted, I will say, “okay, you can pick it up in the morning.” I have a lot of good parenting skills…but this is an area I really struggle with! I have improved a lot over the past few years, but I battle myself constantly! I don’t want to spoil my kids…but man, do I feel their pain!
But this is what I know…this struggle of mine, is where being an empathetic parent can quickly turn into being a permissive parent! And that is NOT my desire. I want to raise my kids to be strong and part of teaching your children to be strong is sometimes making them do the hard things…despite their feelings! That doesn’t mean that I can’t talk with them about how difficult I know it is for them. Or that I can’t tell them that I hate how hard it is…but after all that, I can follow up with the encouragement that even though life IS hard at times, we are strong enough to overcome those hardships. I can stop and pray with them and ask for them to have strength and guidance to navigate tough stuff. Empathetic parenting means I will feel their pain right along with them, but that doesn’t always mean I can take it away. This is where I have to remind myself that pain and travail is often the pathway to real joy and contentment. And really, that’s where I want to lead my kids…no matter how much it may hurt my heart along the way.
So here’s to all you “feelers” out there…may we all manage to use our empathy to raise emotionally strong and kind humans and overcome the desire to let our feelings rule our choices! Solidarity.
